Smells Like Teen Spirit

Freshman are stinky.

They have not yet discovered the benefits of deodorant or the fine art of daily showering.

Everyday after lunch the kids come in smelling like sweat, Cheetos, and dirty feet.

The boys (who are the main problem) think that the cure to this is to spray large amounts of Axe all over their clothing. Right in the middle of the classroom. Basically, this equates to funk over funk. They end up smelling like sweat, Cheetos, and dirty feet not-so-cleverly disguised under a foggy cloud of cheap cologne.

The girls spritz (spritz, spritz, spritz) cucumber melon body spray all over themselves and, usually, all over the girl at the next desk and, usually, all over some boy who will loudly exclaim:

GET THAT STINKY SHIT AWAY FROM ME.

My thought exactly.

I Asked

Me: ....so as you can see, in this equation, X=0 or X=-7. Are there any questions?

(Student in second row raises hand.)

Me: Yes?

Student: Mrs. W, do you think that R. Kelly is really guilty?

District Email

Actual quotes, from actual teachers (some of them in the English Department). I mean, really.

+ I've been using the charts all week with my regular 9th graders. Some of them (not alot!) get it.

+ Mrs. D has moved to a new position within the dsttrict.

+ To sweaten the deal...

+ Ring found in mem's bathroom.

+ We had over 300 students absence during the visits.

+ We may loose a little time from our prep period, but this way we are sure to get most of the votes.

+ Swiim Meet Today: Please release the swim team @ 1:00.

Sticky

Today, the lunch lady told me a secret:

The cafeteria's yummy, gooey, delicious honey buns have 600 calories and 40 grams of fat each!

Shouldn't they come with a disclaimer?

Ugh.

How Mayonnaise Figures In

Sometimes we actually teach the kids something, and sometimes the kids teach us a thing or two.

Here's the information, as instructed to Mr. W (that's my husband) by his students: Show up at 1:15pm in front of Sacred Heart Church. On the sidewalk across the street from the church will be a man with a cart. This is the corn-on-the-cob-man. Do not go to his competition, the not-as-good-corn-on-the-cob-woman. Order the corn on the cob "with everything."

So we do. We show up at 1:15. Sure enough, the man with the cart is there. He is a middle-aged Hispanic man who is wearing pressed white pants and a blue shirt, tucked in. He has a kid, age 7 maybe, sitting next to him on the curb.

My husband orders 2 corn on the cobs "with everything," please.

The man pulls a corn out of a pot and jams a stick in it. He then slathers it in mayonnaise. Mayonnaise? Yes, mayonnaise! He covers the mayonnaise coated corn in a thick layer of parmesan cheese. Then, he pours butter on the mayonnaise-parmesan corn and then he sprinkles chili powder over the whole thing. The corn-on-the-cob-man hands me this corn-mayo-cheese-butter-chili concoction and repeats the procedure with a second corncob for my husband.

The corn on the cob is the bargain price of $1.

We walk around the block because there is no way in hell that my husband will allow a dripping, buttery, sloppy, greasy piece of corn in his car.

The walk is nice, even if it is through the ghetto. And the students were right: the corn is the best I've ever had.

Real World Math, Priceless

Today I am subbing in this "real world" class in which the kids learn about getting jobs and paying bills and whatnot. I am teaching them to fill out an expenses sheet.

So I say, "Okay, pretend we are planning a party, what do we need?"
And the kids say, "Pizza."
(Well the front-row kids say "Pizza"; the back-row kids say "Beer")

So I write "Pizza" on the board and ask, "How many pizzas?"
The kids say "Five."
Great five pizzas. So far, so good.
(The kids are actually engaged and working with me on this)

So I say, "How much per pizza?"
And the kids say "$4 each."
WTF? Where do they buy their pizza?
They pretty much agree on this price, so I put it on the board.

Here's what we end up with:
5 Pizzas at $4 each
4 Sodas (2 Liters) at $1 each
3 Bags of Chips at $1 each
1 Pkg. of Cups at $.99
1 Pkg. of Plates at $.99
---and---
1 DJ at $300

Hey, you've gotta have priorities in the real world, folks.

Should've, Would've

So the lesson plan says: "The kids know what they should be doing."

What?

Sure they are in the 9th grade, sure they have brains in their heads, but let me tell you this--the kids have no idea what they "should" be doing.

They probably can't remember what chapter they are in, they have no idea what concepts they are learning, and they don't have a clue what they have due.

Or at least they won't admit it.

If the teacher says that the kids know what they should be doing, I can tell you what they will be doing. They will be playing a lively, two-hour game of Pictionary.

I am Satan

I let the kids listen to CD players in class. This violates some classroom rules, but it is often better to have the kids listening to music quietly than to have them talking loudly (which is the only way some of them know how to talk).

So, I am subbing in a Biology class last week and I get a kid who is listening to his CD player and talking. This is a horrible combination, of course, because the kid is talking over the music that only he can hear.

Me: Kid, you've got a choice--you can either listen to your CD player or you can quietly talk to your neighbor. It's one or the other.

Student: Okay, Satan.

The kid sounded pretty funny when he said it and I think he meant it merely as a joke, but the entire class went silent, awaiting my response.

I just laughed.

And gave the kid ASW. (That's After School Work--1 hour of campus trash pickup.)

This is hell after all, and in hell the devil always gets the last laugh.

And So it Begins

This is a lesson in life.

Today I was subbing an English class in which I was showing the classic film The Miracle Worker. This is an old black and white film about Helen Keller. An extremely annoying 9th grader in the front row begins to question the lesson plan.

Student: Do we have to watch this???
Me: Yup.
Student: This is so dumb. Can't we watch another movie?
Me: Nope.
Student: I have another movie in my backpack we could watch.
Me: Nope.
Student: Is this whole movie in black and white?
Me: Yup
Student: This sucks.
Me: Sorry.
Student: I hate these movies. This is lame. (And on and on, you get the picture.)
Me: I'll tell you what. I'd be happy to send you down to OCD where there will be no movies shown all day.

(OCD=On Campus Detention, for those of you who do not have the complete and utter joy of working with high school students all day long.)

This student, during the course of the block, needed a pass to the bathroom, a pass to the nurse, and did not take the required movie notes. This in itself is not unusual.

Herein lies the rub: 2 blocks later the kid is late to health class. This means that the student will get an unexcused tardy, unless the student has a pass. So the kid dodges security and somehow makes it up to my room to ask for a pass to class.

Can I give the kid a pass? Yup.
Do I? Nope.

And that, folks, is a high school lesson in reaping what you sow.
"If you don't pay the rent, don't curse the landlord when you're out on the street."

Next installment of Confessions of a High School Sub: I am Satan.