Junior High

They should not let the 8th graders onto the high school campus. They can't handle it. They get all whacked out and hyped up and wild. No 8th graders allowed. In fact, they should ban 9th graders, too. High school should start with 10th graders.

They could get a special campus for the 8th and 9th graders, with teachers who have infinite patience.

They should put them all on an island in the middle of the Pacific and bring them back when they tone. it. down.

Yes, an island. That'd be fantastic.

Nap Time

Remember those documentary movies from high school? The ones where some unexciting and monotonous doctor of something-or-other would drone on and on about the Incas or a neuron's dendritic tree? Remember having to take a page of notes, but barely being able to stay conscious?

Yeah, well, they still show those movies and they haven’t gotten any better. It is still some monotone professor in a bad tie and tweed jacket talking about some topic that the kids, and the sub, cannot stay awake for.

Today we are watching an engrossing film on modern irrigation canals. Engrossing, I tell you.

Peece Out!

How long is too long for a kid to be on a bathroom break? 30 minutes? Is that too long?

District Mail

More actual emails from actual teachers. Hello....how about spell check, y'all?

+ I can see that alot of learning is going on today....

+ So I will like to advice that we do our research....

+ If you borrowed an easle...

+ She would realy appreciate your support....

+ It shows he has 7 absent in your class...

Lab Rats

The worst thing about subbing for Science is the incredibly annoying, nonstop, grating sound of the lab stools squeaking against the tile floor.

It's enough to drive a person insane. Can't they sit STILL? Is that really too much to ask?

Not Lyin'

The new phrase around these parts is: She be lyin'.

As in: She is lying.

The kids say it nonstop: She be lyin'. He be lyin'. That teacher be lyin'.

Everybody be lyin' around here.

I confiscated a note with this message: SHE BE LION.

Roar.

Teaching Foil

The kids in math class, being the smartasses they are, asked me this: Are you supposed to put the shiny side of the foil on the food, or the dull side? And I didn't know the answer. They are so clever.

So I made them call Reynolds. Here is what the nice lady at Reynolds told us:

There is no difference in which side you use. The difference in the surface of aluminum foil is a result of the manufacturing process and has no bearing on heat retention or reflection.

In case you cared.

See what a great education your tax dollars pay for!

Name Game

I haven't posted lately because I have been proctoring tests and there ain't nothing funny about giving tests. It is incredible dull and boring. The only funny part of testing is seeing the list of all the kids' names in the school.

What is wrong with parents? I am all for unique names, but some people get a little too creative (or they just don't know how to spell).

Preschess. Dyamundz. Jazzmine. Deztini.*

Find some name entertainment here and here until testing ends and the regular subbing fun resumes.

*These names are pronounced as: Precious, Diamonds, Jasmine, and Destiny.

Grapevine Right, Grapevine Left

The great thing about subbing for Mr. H is that he has a stereo system set up in his classroom. Like, with mounted speakers and a receiver with lots of buttons to push and knobs to turn. He even has a turntable. Straight up.

So, we started out class with a little Dave Matthews. We're chillin' to Dave. We're kickin' it. And then somebody broke out a country CD and, despite all the moaning and groaning about country music, I put it on (annoying kids IS my job, after all).

And, boy, were the kids complaining. At first. Until some kid said, "Hey! This is an Electric Slide song." And I said, "Reeeealllly. Well, why don't you teach us that Electric Slide?"

And he DID. We moved some desks and the kid got up and TAUGHT the Electric Slide. And some kids actually participated. It was so bizarre. There were gangstas learning to line dance. And if that isn't comedy, I don't know what it.

It Wasn't Mine

Subbing for P.E. is such a joy.

Today, my class of 50 kids, plus two other classes, crammed into the gym where the kids could play badminton, basketball, and/or go to the weight room.

The main problem with having 150 kids in the gym, as a sub, is that you have no idea which kids belong to you and which kids belong to the other teachers. This is especially bad if there is more than one sub in the gym, because then nobody really knows which kid belongs to which teacher.

In other words:

I do not know if it was one of my kids who spilled a Coca-Cola all over the basketball court, resulting in two kids slipping (who also may or may not have been mine).

I do not know if it was one of my kids who built a pyramid of spit-out sunflower seeds in the middle of the gym floor.

I do not know if it was one of my kids who smashed a Pop Tart under the bleachers.

And I do not know if it was one of my kids who removed all of the strings from a badminton racket and was swinging it around his arm like a miniature, arm-version of the Skip-It.

It was a fabulous day.

Fashionable

16 out of 24 kids in 2nd period were out of dress code today. I didn't do anything about it because I choose my battles wisely and it is not worth making a big deal over a bare midriff or a pair of sagging jeans (the two most common dress code violations).

Kids are now wearing these at school, which they program to say all kinds of dumb stuff:

Rugged

So, three boys were in the corner of my classroom playing hacky sack with a cell phone.

Me: Um, what are you guys doing?

Boy: Playing hacky sack.

Me: With a cell phone?

Boy: Uh-huh.

Me: Isn't that a bad idea?

Boy: Nah. It's a Nextel. It won't break.

Okee dokee.

Incredible

Finally, Spring Break has arrived!

Spring break should have started three days ago, which was when all the teachers decided to quit teaching and start showing videos.

The teachers have two main responses to why they show movies in class:
1. It is a well deserved break for hard working kids
2. It fits into the curriculum

Now, the "well deserved break" excuse is just really silly. Isn't that the point of Spring Break? Why don't we just start Spring Break three days early and not show up at all? The kids could all sit in their pjs and pop in a video and get the same education right in their very own living room.

As for the curriculum excuse--it sounds good, but does it really happen? You judge.

Here are the movies I saw this week.
The Incredibles. 5 times.
X-Men 2
The Indian in the Cupboard

I pulled Ace Ventura out of a teacher's VCR. The class next door was watching Kermit the Frog. Napoleon Dynamite was playing somewhere on campus.

Very educational, folks!

++++++++++++++

Next Installment of Sub Confessions: I answer the question--why are our state test scores so low?

Oh wait. I already did.

Smells Like Teen Spirit

Freshman are stinky.

They have not yet discovered the benefits of deodorant or the fine art of daily showering.

Everyday after lunch the kids come in smelling like sweat, Cheetos, and dirty feet.

The boys (who are the main problem) think that the cure to this is to spray large amounts of Axe all over their clothing. Right in the middle of the classroom. Basically, this equates to funk over funk. They end up smelling like sweat, Cheetos, and dirty feet not-so-cleverly disguised under a foggy cloud of cheap cologne.

The girls spritz (spritz, spritz, spritz) cucumber melon body spray all over themselves and, usually, all over the girl at the next desk and, usually, all over some boy who will loudly exclaim:

GET THAT STINKY SHIT AWAY FROM ME.

My thought exactly.

I Asked

Me: ....so as you can see, in this equation, X=0 or X=-7. Are there any questions?

(Student in second row raises hand.)

Me: Yes?

Student: Mrs. W, do you think that R. Kelly is really guilty?

District Email

Actual quotes, from actual teachers (some of them in the English Department). I mean, really.

+ I've been using the charts all week with my regular 9th graders. Some of them (not alot!) get it.

+ Mrs. D has moved to a new position within the dsttrict.

+ To sweaten the deal...

+ Ring found in mem's bathroom.

+ We had over 300 students absence during the visits.

+ We may loose a little time from our prep period, but this way we are sure to get most of the votes.

+ Swiim Meet Today: Please release the swim team @ 1:00.

Sticky

Today, the lunch lady told me a secret:

The cafeteria's yummy, gooey, delicious honey buns have 600 calories and 40 grams of fat each!

Shouldn't they come with a disclaimer?

Ugh.

How Mayonnaise Figures In

Sometimes we actually teach the kids something, and sometimes the kids teach us a thing or two.

Here's the information, as instructed to Mr. W (that's my husband) by his students: Show up at 1:15pm in front of Sacred Heart Church. On the sidewalk across the street from the church will be a man with a cart. This is the corn-on-the-cob-man. Do not go to his competition, the not-as-good-corn-on-the-cob-woman. Order the corn on the cob "with everything."

So we do. We show up at 1:15. Sure enough, the man with the cart is there. He is a middle-aged Hispanic man who is wearing pressed white pants and a blue shirt, tucked in. He has a kid, age 7 maybe, sitting next to him on the curb.

My husband orders 2 corn on the cobs "with everything," please.

The man pulls a corn out of a pot and jams a stick in it. He then slathers it in mayonnaise. Mayonnaise? Yes, mayonnaise! He covers the mayonnaise coated corn in a thick layer of parmesan cheese. Then, he pours butter on the mayonnaise-parmesan corn and then he sprinkles chili powder over the whole thing. The corn-on-the-cob-man hands me this corn-mayo-cheese-butter-chili concoction and repeats the procedure with a second corncob for my husband.

The corn on the cob is the bargain price of $1.

We walk around the block because there is no way in hell that my husband will allow a dripping, buttery, sloppy, greasy piece of corn in his car.

The walk is nice, even if it is through the ghetto. And the students were right: the corn is the best I've ever had.

Real World Math, Priceless

Today I am subbing in this "real world" class in which the kids learn about getting jobs and paying bills and whatnot. I am teaching them to fill out an expenses sheet.

So I say, "Okay, pretend we are planning a party, what do we need?"
And the kids say, "Pizza."
(Well the front-row kids say "Pizza"; the back-row kids say "Beer")

So I write "Pizza" on the board and ask, "How many pizzas?"
The kids say "Five."
Great five pizzas. So far, so good.
(The kids are actually engaged and working with me on this)

So I say, "How much per pizza?"
And the kids say "$4 each."
WTF? Where do they buy their pizza?
They pretty much agree on this price, so I put it on the board.

Here's what we end up with:
5 Pizzas at $4 each
4 Sodas (2 Liters) at $1 each
3 Bags of Chips at $1 each
1 Pkg. of Cups at $.99
1 Pkg. of Plates at $.99
---and---
1 DJ at $300

Hey, you've gotta have priorities in the real world, folks.

Should've, Would've

So the lesson plan says: "The kids know what they should be doing."

What?

Sure they are in the 9th grade, sure they have brains in their heads, but let me tell you this--the kids have no idea what they "should" be doing.

They probably can't remember what chapter they are in, they have no idea what concepts they are learning, and they don't have a clue what they have due.

Or at least they won't admit it.

If the teacher says that the kids know what they should be doing, I can tell you what they will be doing. They will be playing a lively, two-hour game of Pictionary.