Junior High

They should not let the 8th graders onto the high school campus. They can't handle it. They get all whacked out and hyped up and wild. No 8th graders allowed. In fact, they should ban 9th graders, too. High school should start with 10th graders.

They could get a special campus for the 8th and 9th graders, with teachers who have infinite patience.

They should put them all on an island in the middle of the Pacific and bring them back when they tone. it. down.

Yes, an island. That'd be fantastic.

Nap Time

Remember those documentary movies from high school? The ones where some unexciting and monotonous doctor of something-or-other would drone on and on about the Incas or a neuron's dendritic tree? Remember having to take a page of notes, but barely being able to stay conscious?

Yeah, well, they still show those movies and they haven’t gotten any better. It is still some monotone professor in a bad tie and tweed jacket talking about some topic that the kids, and the sub, cannot stay awake for.

Today we are watching an engrossing film on modern irrigation canals. Engrossing, I tell you.

Peece Out!

How long is too long for a kid to be on a bathroom break? 30 minutes? Is that too long?

District Mail

More actual emails from actual teachers. Hello....how about spell check, y'all?

+ I can see that alot of learning is going on today....

+ So I will like to advice that we do our research....

+ If you borrowed an easle...

+ She would realy appreciate your support....

+ It shows he has 7 absent in your class...

Lab Rats

The worst thing about subbing for Science is the incredibly annoying, nonstop, grating sound of the lab stools squeaking against the tile floor.

It's enough to drive a person insane. Can't they sit STILL? Is that really too much to ask?

Not Lyin'

The new phrase around these parts is: She be lyin'.

As in: She is lying.

The kids say it nonstop: She be lyin'. He be lyin'. That teacher be lyin'.

Everybody be lyin' around here.

I confiscated a note with this message: SHE BE LION.

Roar.

Teaching Foil

The kids in math class, being the smartasses they are, asked me this: Are you supposed to put the shiny side of the foil on the food, or the dull side? And I didn't know the answer. They are so clever.

So I made them call Reynolds. Here is what the nice lady at Reynolds told us:

There is no difference in which side you use. The difference in the surface of aluminum foil is a result of the manufacturing process and has no bearing on heat retention or reflection.

In case you cared.

See what a great education your tax dollars pay for!

Name Game

I haven't posted lately because I have been proctoring tests and there ain't nothing funny about giving tests. It is incredible dull and boring. The only funny part of testing is seeing the list of all the kids' names in the school.

What is wrong with parents? I am all for unique names, but some people get a little too creative (or they just don't know how to spell).

Preschess. Dyamundz. Jazzmine. Deztini.*

Find some name entertainment here and here until testing ends and the regular subbing fun resumes.

*These names are pronounced as: Precious, Diamonds, Jasmine, and Destiny.

Grapevine Right, Grapevine Left

The great thing about subbing for Mr. H is that he has a stereo system set up in his classroom. Like, with mounted speakers and a receiver with lots of buttons to push and knobs to turn. He even has a turntable. Straight up.

So, we started out class with a little Dave Matthews. We're chillin' to Dave. We're kickin' it. And then somebody broke out a country CD and, despite all the moaning and groaning about country music, I put it on (annoying kids IS my job, after all).

And, boy, were the kids complaining. At first. Until some kid said, "Hey! This is an Electric Slide song." And I said, "Reeeealllly. Well, why don't you teach us that Electric Slide?"

And he DID. We moved some desks and the kid got up and TAUGHT the Electric Slide. And some kids actually participated. It was so bizarre. There were gangstas learning to line dance. And if that isn't comedy, I don't know what it.

It Wasn't Mine

Subbing for P.E. is such a joy.

Today, my class of 50 kids, plus two other classes, crammed into the gym where the kids could play badminton, basketball, and/or go to the weight room.

The main problem with having 150 kids in the gym, as a sub, is that you have no idea which kids belong to you and which kids belong to the other teachers. This is especially bad if there is more than one sub in the gym, because then nobody really knows which kid belongs to which teacher.

In other words:

I do not know if it was one of my kids who spilled a Coca-Cola all over the basketball court, resulting in two kids slipping (who also may or may not have been mine).

I do not know if it was one of my kids who built a pyramid of spit-out sunflower seeds in the middle of the gym floor.

I do not know if it was one of my kids who smashed a Pop Tart under the bleachers.

And I do not know if it was one of my kids who removed all of the strings from a badminton racket and was swinging it around his arm like a miniature, arm-version of the Skip-It.

It was a fabulous day.